The church has been a constant part Zhi Jingjing's life for the past thirty years. She was born in Xinjiang, where her parents headed as a response to the calling of their church in a coastal province.
Weird preacher claimed to marry her as a means to save her during her childhood
Her mother, a preacher, founded a church in Xinjiang, attracting many believers from coastal provinces to live there, including a preacher surnamed Cui.
Cui suffered from epilepsy for years, and claimed that he was healed by Mentuhui, or "the Disciples Sect" and remained single just to serve God better. However, for others, the reason why he still remained unmarried was that he was poor and unattractive.
One day, she plucked up her courage to tell her mother that she was bullied by Preacher Cui, who would caressed her body. "I was not religious at that time. Although my house was a gathering place, I didn't understand the meaning. After I was sexually assaulted the first time, I felt wronged because he forced me to do the thing I disliked. " Zhi said.
But her mother didn't believe her, worrying that her father, a bad-tempered veteran, would kill Preacher Cui if she kept talking about the issue. It ended up with no specific ending.
Nevertheless, her whole childhood was destroyed by the devil. Her mother often rebuked her, saying that Zhi born with evil and filth needed to be driven out demons. The worst thing was that her parents almost quarreled every day to the extent that the young girl didn't have the chance to talk with them. Consequently, she stopped hiding away from Cui and even pandered to him.
Preacher Cui told her parents that she was too beautiful and it is possible that she would become a prostitute. He also said that she could keep loyal as long as she marries a Christian. Moreover, his mission was to save the poor girl who had something unclean inside her, something that could only be suppressed by preachers.
The only means for salvation was for him to marry her. Thinking that his view was reasonable, her mother knew that her hot-tempered husband wouldn't allow such a thing. Fortunately, she didn't fall into the pit.
Encountering another sexual abuse in the church
Afterwards, she was enrolled in a university located in a coastal province. In a library, she was reached by a senior sister and got enticed to go church again. The church was founded by Rev. L, an aged missionary from South Korea. Formerly a taxi driver in Seoul, he studied theology and rented a basement to build a church. But nobody came, so he told his district that his mission was to preach the gospel in China. As a result, he was sent to establish churches in the coastal provinces of China.
Soon after she joined the church, she was crazily pursued by Pastor L, imagining her to be his future life. However, she didn't like the pastor. Despite repeated refusals, Pastor L became more fervent, forcing himself to hug her. His reason was that the love was sinless and he wanted to be more insane for the Lord.
Before graduation, a polite and handsome man tried to pursue her, but she found the inability to "love again". Her past experience showed that love was fake that she found it difficult to receive anyone's love.
After graduating from university, Zhi worked in the advertising industry and her main business was to contact clients. Her beauty led to sexual hints and hidden rules from male clients. But she viewed it as an exchange and started doing sex-for-money deals for three or four years. This kind of deal was more direct and simple than the sexual abuse she experienced in the church. What annoyed her the most was that the preachers used various kinds of religious reasons to occupy her body, but these "clients" expressed their desires through money.
A few years later, she bought a top-class villa. But Zhi said that she didn't trust anybody any longer and hated her body.
Normal life was gone
She met her husband in a church of her university. Having a crush on him, she felt "love" for the first time. They got married and seemed to enjoy their marriage.
But for her husband, she felt pretty guilty in her heart. She shared that she had a weak "in love" feeling because her soul was damaged. After marriage, they hardly had remarkable sex but they mostly hugged each other on the bed. The absence of normal feelings regarding having a relationship and sex made her powerless and heart-broken. She was indifferent to nothing.
"#Metoo": I want more people to come out and fight against sexual abuse
After getting married, the couple stopped going to church and praying to God, deliberately avoiding things related to Christianity. Her husband did not dare and didn't want to mention her past.
One day, Zhi proposed to attend the church out of the blue. Going to church didn't mean something to her and she just wanted to behave like a Christian who hears sermons in the church.
When asked about how women should protect themselves, she answered, "Little girls are unable to protect themselves. If they have good families, they may experience much fewer abusive cases. Sometimes it's useless to cry or shout. My suggestion is to call the police! If you study certain cases, you will know that people lack the ability to turn on the alarm. My biggest advice is to gradually forget the thing and depend on time and God if you encounter such a thing. "
She added that the global #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements signifies the awakening of female consciousness. It requires courage to speak out regarding past sexual assault and not fear criticism. "I think the victims need to say it out and bring it to light together. After all, sexual abuse is common and frequent. If people refuse to come out and speak, it will be ignored. I want to see more people stand out, talk about their sexual assault and harassment experience, and discuss together. Then wiser ideas to prevent sexual abuse and to placate victims can be put forward. "
"The church also needs it, but considering that the church is more complex, I can talk about my experience yet am unwilling to make the public outrage to retrieve my loss. The church needs to address it seriously. But I believe that there is a side effect I can't tell clearly."
- Translated by Karen Luo
